Disclaimer: I’m blonde and blunt, this post may offend you if you identify as a douche.
According to urban dictionary the word douche is “a word to describe an individual who has shown themself to be very brainless in one way or another, thus comparing them to the cleansing product for vaginas.” I personally use the word douche to describe certain people (male or female) at the gym who exhibit any of the following behaviours:
No regards for the people around them. This person usually takes up a lot of machines all at once or refuses to clean up after themselves, they probably also probably don’t wash their hands after they use the bathroom.
Mocks other gym goers. PSA everyone at the gym is working on themselves, I don’t care what size they are, do not make fun of anyone at the gym, at least they’re trying. In my opinion this kind of behaviour makes you the biggest douche of all.
Moans excessively. Not every rep deserves a loud grunt or moan, most of the people that grunt consistently aren’t actually lifting intensely. We’re not in the wild, you’re mating call is not needed.
Hits on everything that moves. There’s always that one guy at the gym who feels the need to hit on every girl. I get that the gym is a great place to find a significant other but stop hitting on everyone, girls talk and we know you’ve hit on all of us. Also don’t interrupt a workout to hit on someone, wait until they’re on a rest or just wait until they’re done working out, patience is key young grasshopper.
You can smell them from a mile away. Usually they don’t smell like body odour, they just smell like they bathed in their cologne/perfume for a week straight. Deodorant is appreciated, excessive body spray is not.
Refuses to work legs, probably trains chest every day that ends in ‘y’. This point is pretty self explanatory.
Thinks that they’re better than everyone else. These people often brag about how great of shape they’re in, if you have to brag about it, you’re probably over compensating for something.
I’m a little late to the party but Fittest on Earth: A Decade of Fitness (aka the GREATEST documentary of all time) just came onto Netflix and MY LIFE HAS BEEN CHANGED. I have been watching the Crossfit games for years and my god I love any and all documentaries about it. When the games come on I live stream it wherever I am, I have even taken time off work to watch the games. I have watched Fittest on Earth over 20 times, and I am now onto my third time watching Fittest on Earth: A Decade of Fitness (I am currently watching it because I LOVE IT).
Here are my thoughts while watching the greatest documentary of all time, seriously someone give them an oscar.
Dave Castro is so extra, I love it.
Wow, I’m shit at everything.
Sara Sigmundsdottir is my Spirit Animal.
I hope no one dies.
Watching the guys work out is better than both Magic Mike movies combined.
I wish I was Icelandic.
I need to workout like ASAP.
I want to hang out with all of these athletes.
Katrin’s eyebrows are everything.
My motivation is through the roof right now.
The 2017 Crossfit Games are in a couple weeks and I AM SO EXCITED. I’m hoping Sara Sigmundsdottir wins for the women this year, who are you cheering for?
If your new to living a healthy lifestyle, working out can seem really intimidating. I remember the first time I set foot in the gym, I had no idea what anything was or what I should be doing. Everyone else seemed to be so experienced and intimidating, I didn’t make eye contact with anyone at the gym for the first year that I worked out. I was always worried that I was doing an exercise wrong and people were laughing at me from afar, we’ve all been there and we’ve all felt like this, it’s normal. I always tell first time gym goers that most people are too focused on themselves to notice others unless you are a loud grunter or screamer then you will be noticed. It’s not hard to start working out it’s just intimidating for most people. I have created a list of tips for first time gym goers to help you get into the gym or off of the couch.
Write Down Your Goals – Identifying your goals is the most important part of living a healthier lifestyle, this will help you find your why and your motivation to get shit done. When writing down your goals make sure to rate the importance of these goals to you on a scale of 1 – 10, 10 being extremely important. Rating your goals creates a bigger emotional attachment and gives you a lot of motivation. If you’ve ever had a consultation with a trainer you have most likely been through this type of goal setting.
Just Start – You’ve already made the conscious decision to change or try something new so just do it. Walk into your local gym, contact a trainer, break out those home workout videos, get it done and crush those goals.
Seek Professional Help – Like I said before, working out can be intimidating for the first time, no one wants to feel like they’re doing something wrong and no one wants to get hurt. I recommend seeking out some professional help. Most gyms will offer a complimentary session with a trainer when you sign up, use this as a time to ask questions and get your form critiqued.
Pace Yourself – We all get excited when we start something new or want to crush some goals, it is super important not to go crazy within your first week or month. I’ve seen a lot of new gym members wear themselves out within the first month, pace yourself, ease into it and don’t try and find your 1 rep max within the first week of working out. Also don’t buy a shit ton of supplements as soon as you join the gym like no just no.
5. Schedule Out Your Workout Time – In my experience if you don’t schedule out your workouts then they probably won’t happen #truthbomb. Mark it on your calendar, tell Siri to remind you do what you gotta do to get it done. Don’t like schedules? Too bad, schedule it.
6. Don’t Reward a Workout With Food – Most people who start working out make the common mistake of thinking that because they workout they can have all the food. I used to think that because I worked out I could eat cake.. every night. Don’t deprive yourself but also don’t eat cake every night if you want to lose weight.
I don’t think there is anything in this world that I hate more than running. When I was a kid I hated track and field day because you show up to school one day and you’re expected to run for like 800 metres. No thank you. The night before track and field day I would try and come up with ways to get out of it, like breaking my own leg. I don’t think that’s too dramatic or anything. I’m also asthmatic so running is a bitch for me, a bitch that I’ve avoided like the plague.
A couple of weeks ago I walked into my regular Crossfit class and written under WOD on the board was a 400 metre run. No, just no. I felt like I was in elementary school again, only this time I didn’t have my inhaler. The run was awful, I hated every minute of it. I was embarrassed by my horrible running skills, I literally have the lung capacity of a mouse. I hate being bad at things so I am determined to improve this skill ASAP. I know I won’t be able to run long distances over night but I’ve come up with a plan. Repeat the weekly workout 3-5 times a week.
Feel free to join me for 8 weeks of literal hell, I’m starting Monday. Hopefully in 8 weeks I will be significantly better at running.
I recently started attending a beginner CrossFit bootcamp. I’m now able to understand what all the hype is about. The best part of walking into a CrossFit class is that you don’t have to think about a workout, you just walk in and get your ass handed to you, it I walk into every class with excitement and a little fear. Despite how tough a workout may be, and how much I may hate in the moment, I can’t wait to do it again as soon as the workout is over. I’ve made a list of my most common thoughts (sometimes I say them out loud) during a WOD.
1. “AMRAP 8 min, so easy” – By minute 4 *wheezing* “Is it over yet!!?”
2. “I hope this makes my butt bigger” – every exercise.
For most people Christmas is the worst time of year for eating junk and hating yourself. For me that holiday is Easter, the holiday literally revolves around chocolate (well it actually revolves around Jesus but that’s a discussion for another time). Easter used to be the time of year that everyone stocked up on mini eggs for the year and rationed them until the next time mini eggs would come out of hibernation and wreak havoc on our waistlines. Mini eggs are just so delicious and adorably cute and I just want 500 of them. Back when I was in College Easter coincided with final exams, I’m a stress eater so having a plethora of chocolate available around at an extremely stressful time was a recipe for disaster. Looking back now I am shocked at my lack of self control, I would eat anything and everything. My body pretty much ran on sugar in college and especially during exams and I would crash hard if I didn’t have any.
I grew up in a town that is famous for it’s chocolate and it’s theatre but chocolate is what matters most to me because I will always be a chubby kid at heart. I was never given chalky wal mart Easter bunnies. If you live in Stratford you most likely were given premium chocolate hand crafted Easter bunnies. You haven’t truly eaten chocolate until you’ve had some from Rheo Thompsons or Chocolate Barr’s. When I was a child I probably consumed 20 times the recommended amount of sugar Easter morning. My parent’s would always try and get us to ration out our chocolate but I would eat pretty much all of it in one sitting because even at the age of 8, I had no self control when it came to food.
I am a firm believer in the “treat yo self” motto, I don’t do it everyday because I would be back up to 250lbs but I do believe that if you truly want something and it’s been on your mind for a while, you should have it. It’s challenging to eat a junk food in moderation, as a person who struggled with weight my whole life, I sometimes find it challenging to not slip back into old habits. The key to not slipping back into old and harmful habits is to constantly be thinking about what your goals are and how you’re going to get there. Not going to lie, I’ll be consuming some chocolate this weekend but I’m going to get right back on track after. Life is about balance, not about being perfect. One thing I learned during my fitness journey is that beating yourself up after eating something “bad” won’t get you anywhere, stay positive, stay calm, and get back to crushing your goals.
Cardio is like the weird uncle you avoid at holidays because it’s weird and makes you feel uncomfortable. I’d rather put a pin in my eye then do cardio. When I first started working out I was a cardio bunny, I would spend hours cycling, walking, elipticalling (I know that’s not a word). Like most girls, I was afraid of the weight rack, I was afraid of my muscles getting huge and hulking out of all of my clothing. I was so young and naïve then, the weight section of the gym is now where I feel most at home. As much as I hate doing steady state cardio, I still do it. Yes I do cardio, I don’t do it everyday but I work it in to my workout plans because I know I’ll be better for doing it. I don’t spend hours doing cardio, 10 -30 minutes is usually the max for me. I find that doing 10 min of steady state at the end of a workout is really beneficial for fat loss. I truthfully hate every minute of doing it but in order to improve your fitness you have to do the things that make you uncomfortable.
To be honest I find any and all forms of cardio awkward and weird, maybe it’s because I’m uncoordinated or maybe it’s because I have asthma and breathing is hard. Here are my top 10 reasons why cardio is awkward and weird:
Running Hurts – Your lungs burn, your legs burn and if you have bigger boobs there is a legit fear of giving yourself a black eye.
WTF is the Elliptical – I know the elliptical is better for your joints, but what exactly is it training you for? To be a gazelle? I need answers.
The Stairmaster – The Stairmaster is the tallest machine in the gym, it’s like standing on a stage where literally everyone can so you sweating your ass off and trying not to die.
Cycling – If you have ever attended a spin class you’ll understand the pain of sitting on those skinny, hard bike seats and not being able to walk properly for 24 hours. People start talking and things get weird.
Doing Cardio with a Partner – You’re both weirdly out of breath and trying to hold a conversation.
Rowing – Everything is cramping and when you stand you leave a huge booty sweat mark on the seat. Also if you have a big booty, it spills out awkwardly over the sides of the seat.
Jumping Movements – Everything is jiggling and flopping and you can’t control it. Box jumping and falling on your face in front of everyone at the gym, enough said.
Farting – I’m usually not one to talk about these things, but it happens to the best of us. It’s hard to hold one in when you’re running or jumping, sometimes it happens and catches you by surprise. Here’s to hoping no one heard it.
Cardio Machines in General – You’re using a lot of energy and going nowhere, it’s actually kind of sad.
The Finish – If it was an intense cardio session you probably just want to lay on the floor in a puddle of your own sweat but it’s usually frowned upon.